Tomorrow will mark the four month mark of Karen's passing. I must say that these four months have given rise to the greatest variation of emotion I have ever experienced in such a short time. My emotions have been pretty much every degree from nearly imperceptible to headsplittingly poignant. They have varied from joyful to sad, excited to angry, etc. and at times several of those all simultaneously.
However, one thing has remained more or less constant during these last four months. That is a focus on what is most important to me. I have thought much about what matter most in my life. What is it that I want more than anything else? What is it that drives me to live my life the way I do? What priorities do I need to reorder? How should I realign my emphasis in what I do?
Of course, I have always come to the conclusion that the most important thing for me to do is to love my God. I know that very well. I have been taught all throughout my childhood that this is what I should do. It is now what I want more than anything else. But I also came to the realization that I don't know how to do that. I'm so young and I don't have very much experience in the matter. But I do know that I will learn. I will come to know my Father in Heaven and what I must do to show my love for Him.
What is my motivation? Right now, my strongest motivation for wanting to draw closer to God is Karen. I want to be with Karen again and I know that that will only be possible if I serve my God. I look forward to the day when my motivation can be more pure, but for right now I must confess that Karen is my inspiration. She is my true love and my heart is bound to hers forever. Even though I cannot go where she is, my heart can and it is with her often. This is why I have reflected upon what is truly important. I am starting to discard many of the things I do that are inessential--or even detrimental. I love my wife and I love my Lord.
I'll admitt that I use Karen as my inspiration as well. Good luck with everything.
ReplyDeleteHello Keith. I just found your blog from your comment on mine. It's good to hear from you. I just wanted to let you know that we think of you. You are such a good example of love to those around you. I know that what you have been through is difficult beyond my comprehension. I am sure that Heavenly Father and your lovely wife are very proud of the strength, perseverance, and pure love you have shown. Let us know if you need anything.
ReplyDeleteKeith - Thank you for sharing this with us. We love you so much and are always praying for you.
ReplyDeleteOn one hand - what a blessing to have such a real reason to remember how important the choices we make in this life are and how beautiful the reunion will be and how much our loved ones on both sides of the veil long for us and how grateful we are to have the Savior - who broke the bands of death, who restored the sealing power through His prophets, and who understands our lonely pain.
And on the other hand - it is hard to go through each day remembering all those things, and yet still knowing them deep down.
We are so thankful to have Karen as part of our tangible goal. She makes the joy of the resurrection seem so much more real and I can't wait. We miss her very much. I keep slipping up and calling Jane or my sisters "Karen" and each time I do I miss her that much more. And I want to be that much better because I know she is disappointed with me when I goof up and hoping I will repent and do better right away.
I like the moments when I feel her near.
We love you and miss you so much!!! We can't wait until Christmas/New Years!!!
Good luck this semester!
Oh Keith, Karen is so pure that if she is your motivation, then your motivation is pure as well. I can't imagine what pain and other emotions you must feel. I miss Karen terribly and I know Robert does too. I think we all have hard days where we miss her more and are sad by it. All I can say is we too are so thankful for Jesus Christ and the opportunity we have to all be together again. Robert bore such a strong testimony on Sunday about how Karen has helped him draw closer to God, I was so proud of him, it was the first time he's shared his testimony in public like that for a while. She really is a great motivation and inspiration.
ReplyDeleteWell we are so excited to see you soon, hopefully we can have this baby while you're still here to see her! We love you Keith.
Thank you so much for sharing that. I love you.
ReplyDeleteKeith, I do not know you, and happened to come across this blog by coincidence... but I am truly touched by your words.
ReplyDeleteI am married and can not fathom my life without my eternal companion. I feel peace in knowing that death would only seperate us for a short time. I love what you have to say here. My heart goes out to you.